On becoming a foster parent

A week ago, I sat on a panel of foster parents for people who were interested in learning more about what it looks like to step into this journey.  Tonight, I sit at my house with two kiddos tucked into my guest room, aged 7 and 9, sleeping soundly and my own 8 month old daughter asleep in our room.  The girls' 5 year old brother has been with us for the last four nights, but left us today to transition to a longer term foster placement. 

Walking away from the panel last week, I was struck by the fact that to the outside world, I am a foster parent, but in my heart, that is a title that doesn't ring true.  I have been an emergency foster parent for the last two years, taking kids into our home on the weekends and after hours with my husband, Luke.  I became a mama last September when our little one, Dahlia, was born.  That being said, I feel like I am just now learning how to be a parent.  One thing I have realized with my involvement with our state's Department of Human Services and the families that is serves is that there is such a crisis shortage of safe and open homes that my inexperience of being a parent is outweighed by my willingness to open up my home and my heart. 

Over the last week, I have realized that even if I am not confident in my parenting skills, I have much to offer these three children that are in our home.  After all, I can...
-get the spaghetti stain out of their white shirt
-buy them underwear that fit at Walmart
-run a bubble bath (until the 5 year old uses up a whole bottle of shampoo and can't seem to rinse off)
-do laundry, so many loads of laundry
-drive them to school and pick them up on time
-read with them
-give them a shoulder to lean on
-hold their hands when we cross a street
-give them a snack
-make chocolate chip cookies, and give them each a part to help with, and of course let them eat the dough
-take their temperature when they have a fever in the middle of the night and place a cool washcloth on their forehead
-pour their milk into their Lucky Charms
-double tie their shoelaces for the twelfth time today
-play on the teeter totter with them
-pick them up when they fall
-make them mac and cheese (obviously the blue box kind)
-cover them with a blanket and admire their precious sleeping faces
-let them beat me at board games
-and my personal favorite... have impromptu dance parties in the living room

Luke was letting each of the kids have turns with his instruments.  Then, they asked him to play a song.  He began with a lovely acoustic rendition of "What Does the Fox Say?", followed by "Let it Go".  During which, all three kids and myself were "busting a move" (their words) in the living room while Dahlia napped in the other room.  It was one of those moments that I so desperately wanted to snap a picture of to remember it for months to come, and yet knew that bringing out my phone would cheapen it.  Instead, I chose to wink at Luke, watch the joy on the kids' faces as we twirled around the living room, and realize that this is what we can bring and is exactly what they need.

We have no idea what we're doing, and it feels a little crazy quite often.  But in the end, we just do our best to meet the needs of some innocent children who have gone through some tough stuff and hope that our actions speak our love.

How dirt helped us meet our neighbors

One of the first things that we did when we moved into our house 2 1/2 years ago was kill all the grass in our yard and turn the space into a big garden.  It obviously drew the attention of our neighbors as we had cardboard flattened out filling the space and our chicken coop in the front of the house to take advantage of their fertilizing waste.   At that time, we were surely seen as very odd to our neighbors.  Our direct neighbors politely and directly asked, "Aren't chickens for the country?" conveying their discomfort with our feathered friends.  We moved ahead with our plan and before we knew it had zucchini to hand out to passersby and cherry tomatoes coming out our ears.  

During the countless evenings we spent out in the garden- planting, watering, weeding, and harvesting, we would come to meet many of our neighbors who would walk by.  Just one of the perks of not having cable!  There are the moms who bring their kids over to pick tomatoes and strawberries, the grandmas who don't speak English, but point to different plants, trying to get us to understand the name of the plan in their native tongue, the fellow gardeners who swap tips and seeds with us.  The garden quickly became a gathering place.  In the heat of the summer, when our windows are left open, we can often hear Chinese speaking women gathering outside the fence pointing and talking about the different things growing 

     To enrich our garden, we order a big load of compost and share it with our neighbors. 

 We stole the idea from Luke's parents, who have been doing it for years.  People can either take it by the bucketful or wheelbarrow and pay for what they use.  It's one of my favorite weeks of the year and it happened last week, during the stretch of 80 degree weather we had in April in Portland.  For a week straight, neighbors are knocking on our door and windows.  When I check the mailbox for letters, cash falls out.  

There were several times when people were waiting to borrow the wheelbarrow, so they were "forced" to talk to one another as they waited.  I got to re-acquaint myself with my neighbors from China, Vietnam, El Salvador, Mexico, Syria, Kenya, Somalia, Tanzania, and so many other places I lost track.  Perhaps one of my favorite memories was a Saturday morning, when there was a knock on our bedroom window at 7:15am.  I was awake, and Luke was in our room with Dahlia.  I went out and played charades with the woman who lives a few houses down, insinuating that she should come back in ten minutes.  I left and returned to our house at 10:00am, to find her cooing songs to Dahlia, meanwhile, Luke was wheeling ten loads of compost to her house.  We hadn't intended on becoming a delivery service, but it worked.  Compost season is a reminder of spring that is coming and it is when folks start coming out of their winter hibernation.  We are grateful for the diversity in our neighborhood and the chances that we get to meet and befriend those who live around us.   

Welcoming Dahlia Kay at home

When we found out at we were expecting a child last year, we were so excited to experience all that pregnancy and labor would entail as they ushered us into our new roles as parents.  What I wasn't expecting was how many decisions would have to be made in the process.  I recognize and acknowledge that the birth of a child is something unique to each mother and the circumstances surrounding the welcome of the child to the world.  Today, I want to share a little bit about my decision to have our daughter at home and what that experience was like for me and my family.  

In my husband's family, home birth was considered the norm.  He was delivered in rural Kansas at his home by his grandpa.  His sister delivered her two kids at home by water birth.  In my family, hospital births were the only thing that I had ever heard about.  I had never been present at anyone's birth, so I had little to no preconceived notions of how it would go.  

At the beginning of my pregnancy, I started my prenatal care at our local Kaiser Permanente office.  After I had a few prenatal appointments, I began to wonder if there was another way after being seen by a different provider at each month's appointment.  We decided to interview the midwives at Rosehip Midwifery on the recommendation of a neighbor who had worked with them, and were excited to find that their office was a mere 20 blocks from our house (I rode my bike to prenatal appointments up until the day before she was born!)  

We quickly decided to work with the team of women there (2 licensed/certified midwives and one apprentice at the local Birthingway College of Midwifery).  Several things influenced my decision:

*I felt at ease with the team and appreciated knowing that they would be the same ones working with me through my prenatal, delivery and postpartum period.  It wouldn't be left up to chance who was on call when I happened to go into labor. I predicted that I would be able to be more relaxed if I had a relationship with the people who were supporting me during labor.

*We took a tour of the birthing rooms at the hospital I would be delivering at and took into account my past negative reactions in hospitals (I have passed out several times during a variety of visits, including when I am not the patient and am just visiting people).  Recognizing that birth is an intense experience and that the hospital setting might be inhibitive to my body relaxing enough to do what it was meant to do.

*We watched the documentary "The Business of Being Born" and acknowledged the high rate at which the medical model interferes with the natural process of birth. 

*I wanted to have a natural birth without medication or medical intervention.

*I wanted to trust in birth as a natural process, not as some sort of ailment or illness that needed to be fixed.  Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth shares some beautiful birth stories and gave me a better sense of what to expect during labor.  

After all was said and done, there were a couple of other unexpected things that confirmed my positive experience with the midwives:

-The midwives allowed us to take control of our decisions.  Their role was to inform us and allow us to decide, supporting us in whatever we decided.   

-The postpartum support was incredible.  After Dahlia was born, the midwives took her vitals, cleaned up, got us all situated, and left us to delight in the newest addition to our family.  They came to us at our house for postpartum visits at 1 day, 2 days, 1 week and 2 weeks.  It was so wonderful to not have to load up in the carseat to make it to an appointment on time.  Also, the frequent check-in was helpful for me in my first days of motherhood.  They were available by text or phone call whenever we had questions or I needed lactation support.

-The birthing tub was great to use as pain management

-I was grateful to be able to be in our own space.  I could eat or drink throughout all of labor.  We got to wear whatever clothes we wanted- no hospital gowns here!  I was able to set the tone for the space, filling it with things that relaxed me and gave me strength.  I was able to move freely about our home during labor and ended up having Dahlia in our bed. 

-We were able to have our families close by (Mary Lou made a big pot of spaghetti and our families were outside eating by the fire pit while I was inside laboring!)

-The midwives knew what they were doing and were able to guide me through the birthing process (they gave me an IV at one point when I became seriously dehydrated, were constantly checking baby and mama's vitals, and even gave me a few stitches afterward).  There are some serious misconceptions about the training and certification of midwives.  These ladies were highly trained, well prepared and wouldn't have hesitated to transfer me to a nearby hospital if it had been needed for me or Dahlia's safety.

-It cost less than birthing at a hospital.  The only bummer is that at this point in time, home birth isn't covered by most insurance, so the cost must be paid out of pocket.

I would strongly recommend home birth as a viable and positive experience to any woman with a low risk pregnancy.  It is one of the most empowering experiences I have ever had in my life and I am so grateful that it was how we welcomed our daughter.

*One of the most unexpected parts for me was that Dahlia has three more women in her life who care about her deeply and are connected to her in a beautifully unique way.  Seeing midwives delight in a newborn baby is unlike anything else!  We are grateful to Heather, Emilia and Rachel for being a part of our family's story.*